The Worst Kind of Surprise Party

[all_too_familiar]

There is a man. He's meditating, and floating several inches off of the ground. This is fairly normal for him - at least he's not floating various furniture this time. Just himself. He doesn't feel like exerting himself any further. It's been a long day.

He realizes it's going to be a lot longer when he's no longer in his room.

"I hate surprises," he sighs, and he opens his eyes to look at his new surroundings. He's still floating, and surprisingly calm.

Comments

[all_too_familiar]

"In a perfect world, yeah. But there's also - mm. They get a lot wrong. And being a jedi demands a certain - jedi aren't supposed to fall in love. Or feel strong emotions; anger especially. Because if you do, and you're a jedi, there's - a dark side to the Force. You can decide to stop using it for good. And it's easy and destructive and tempting." He shrugs. "There's an entire culture to Force users who follow the dark side. I'll likely explain that later in my story, but that's enough history for explaining my past.

"So, uh. I was a jedi. Raised to be one since before I can remember, thrilled about it every second, talented and powerful and dashingly handsome." He smirks. "All set up to go save people for the rest of my life with fancy swords and magic powers. Fits me, right?"

(He is maybe joking, a little, there.)

[unmarred]

"Oh, perfectly," Mark assures him.

[all_too_familiar]

Revan barks a laugh. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

"Anyway, as you can likely tell, things, ah, went wrong. The Republic was attacked by - well, they're called Mandalorians. Clan-based people whose culture revolves around battle. They enjoy picking fights with the biggest, strongest enemy around, and then winning. So they decided to pick a fight with the biggest, largest government. And then they started winning. Ordinary Republic troops were being crushed.

"Jedi aren't soldiers. We're - they're protectors, small in number and scattered all over everywhere. But the Republic wanted jedi to help, anyway. Because people with fancy swords and magic powers. The jedi council... refused." He frowns, looking annoyed. "They wanted to... wait. Leave the Republic to handle it. Stand on the sidelines and do nothing, even with all of the power they held."

He shakes his head. "This next part of the story is a little hazy, because of my unique memory issues, but I have the facts. I disagreed with this ruling. I decided I wasn't going to stand around and let people die just because they were far away and the jedi council said so. So I didn't." He smirks. "Other jedi turned out to agree with me. So we went to war. It - I've come to understand that it turned the tide. And the Republic started winning."

[unmarred]

"Well done."

[all_too_familiar]

"Heh. Don't congratulate me yet, you haven't seen what I did next. So, we won. It wasn't as easy as that description makes it sound, but ultimately, we won. This is the part that gets really fuzzy." He props his head onto his hand and looks thoughtful.

"Several things happened here. I - sort of recall that I learned something that made me feel sick with terror. Some kind of enemy that was from the unknown regions of space, I - think. I don't recall the specifics. I do recall that I thought the Republic couldn't handle the, the whatever it was as it was then. That the thing I was terrified of would win and... Something bad would happen. I don't think I knew what, even then. Either way, I was not going to stand by and let my Republic get conquered. But I didn't believe it would be able to prepare in time - the Republic can be so slow with changing things. And with no war to fight, they'd likely think military funding was pointless.

"So that was when I decided I was going to conquer the galaxy."

[unmarred]

"...And this was meant to help?"

[all_too_familiar]

"If I left the majority of the infrastructure intact, converted as many jedi as I could to my cause, picked my battles carefully... Yes. With the help of an ancient factory called the Star Forge that could churn out droids and ships. Which I went and found, for the express purpose of conquering the galaxy. I had time before the - whatever it was - showed up, just not enough to reform the Republic by any means that wasn't conquering it and running it all myself. I uh. Only sort of understand my own logic at the time. I was sort of - falling to the dark side around then."

[unmarred]

"I see. Well. Did it help?"

[all_too_familiar]

"Enh. Recall when I said I should have jumped straight to execution when in a similar situation as the admiral who conquered Komarr?"

[unmarred]

"Somebody fucked you over?"

[all_too_familiar]

"Yep. My apprentice. He decided that he was going to carpet bomb a planet, because he could. And I was away actually, you know, winning the war. I found out, chewed him out about it, told him if he ever did that again I would cut his head from his shoulders where he stood. He agreed, and apologized, and said it was a spur of the moment decision because the resistance had gone underground and made his life difficult. Thought that was the end of it." He sighs. "It was not the end of it.

"So the jedi, by this point, wanted to make me stop conquering their galaxy. Hilarious, because they were about to let the Mandalorians do the same, but when a Force user's the one doing it, wooo, scary!" He waves his hands and wiggles his fingers. "So, they sent a strike team to kill or capture me. And while I was busy, guess who fired on my ship."

[unmarred]

"Traitorous apprentice?"

[all_too_familiar]

"Got it in one. He decided that he didn't like how I ran things, and wanted to conquer the galaxy for... Megalomania. Because he had fallen to the dark side, too, and Force users on the dark side are. Uh. Questionably sane. In my defense, when I was evil, I systematically worked to conquer the galaxy with as little casualties and damage as possible. He went and tried to kill his friend of several years because he wanted the freedom to carpet bomb some more planets.

"So. His attempt to kill me worked - exceedingly well. Except for one snag. The jedi on my ship were mostly unharmed. And jedi don't like to kill their prisoners."

[unmarred]

"So, capture?"

[all_too_familiar]

"Capture. Sort of. I was - in a state. According to them, I was brain dead. I - suspect otherwise, but anyway. They didn't have the means to combat my former apprentice - Malak, if you're curious, was his name - with his fancy Star Forge that I found. They needed me to lead them to where it was so they could go blow it up. And either I was actually brain dead, or they didn't think I'd be cooperative if I were awake and myself."

[unmarred]

"Yes, it does seem an awfully convenient instance of brain death. For them."

[all_too_familiar]

"It does, doesn't it? Either way, they - I don't think they could implant me with a false personality, but they could do false memories. So they tried to make me - mm. More pliable? More willing to follow orders. And then they were going to have me lead them around with a slightly bullshit story about force bonds to the Star Forge, and then they would blow it up. Slight problem. Their ship was attacked, by Malak. He's occasionally almost good for something, in this story. Almost."

[unmarred]

"What'd he do?"

[all_too_familiar]

"I was on that ship. I - am tempted to say 'I got off the ship and onto the planet below,' but it's likely more accurate to say I had an escort almost lead me to the escape pods, then die against a dark jedi so I could run for it. Either way, I was off the ship, away from the jedi, and on a planet, free to wander around and try to figure out a way off of the rock."

[unmarred]

"How'd that turn out?"

[all_too_familiar]

"Rescued a jedi named Bastila who had a large part in either saving my life or brainwashing me, stole a ship from a crime lord, made it off the planet just before Malak carpet bombed it, because of course he fucking carpet bombed it."

[unmarred]

"Never learns, does he."

[all_too_familiar]

"Not 'til the day he died. And on that day, he learned I am a bad man to have as an enemy."

[unmarred]

[all_too_familiar]

Revan smirks.

"Long story short, they retrained me as a jedi because of course they did, they wanted me to be a good little minion. And then I went and refound the Star Forge, through miscellaneous adventures. In the process, I learned the shocking revelation that I was Revan. Gasp. I was much less surprised than they thought I was going to be when I found that one out. Also Bastila fell to the dark side. That one was hilarious, she'd been so righteous before and then she shows up in all black saying, 'I have sworn allegiance to Malak and the sith.'"

The last part is in a mock-falsetto.