The Worst Kind of Surprise Party

[all_too_familiar]

There is a man. He's meditating, and floating several inches off of the ground. This is fairly normal for him - at least he's not floating various furniture this time. Just himself. He doesn't feel like exerting himself any further. It's been a long day.

He realizes it's going to be a lot longer when he's no longer in his room.

"I hate surprises," he sighs, and he opens his eyes to look at his new surroundings. He's still floating, and surprisingly calm.

Comments

[unmarred]

Snort. "Thanks," he says, catching it with casual grace, and he hauls the robe off its owner's broken body and starts methodically opening up major blood vessels. The robed man doesn't quite bleed with proper force, but he does leak very messily.

"I don't advise touching his blood," the corpse adds as an afterthought. "He fed it to me to turn me into a vampire. The exsanguination was probably also a critical step, but there's no point in taking chances."

[all_too_familiar]

"I'll avoid it," he agrees. "And uh. Stop bleeding out. 'Scuse me."

He picks his way to a place that has the least amount of blood on the floor, and sits. And breathes. And - not much else, actually, to the casual viewer.

[unmarred]

But this is not a casual viewer.

He's distracted by his experiments, though. Removing considerable amounts of blood from the vampire's body does not seem to have killed him. Next, Mark tries dismemberment. The knife is not the best possible tool for this job, but it seems rude to interrupt... whatever the recently stabbed man is doing about his recent stab wound.

[all_too_familiar]

The recently stabbed man is healing himself, actually.

He'll be sitting there for a while. Injuries like this are kind of fiddly.

[unmarred]

In which case Mark will just continue disassembling the vampire into medium-sized pieces. He saves the head for last, because it seems likely to be more difficult than the rest.

The vampire's head is not quite fully detached from his torso - but there is a clear air gap between the two ends of his severed spine - when head, torso, and pile of vampire parts all explode into dust.

"That was unexpected," remarks the blood-covered man with the knife.

[all_too_familiar]

The blood-covered man without the knife opens an eye. Sight's back. That's nice.

"Wow, yeah. Convenient, though. Sort of."

[unmarred]

"Anyway. Decapitation is apparently the trick," he says. "Welcome to wherever the fuck we are."

[all_too_familiar]

He snorts.

"Thanks. I take issue with the cultural introduction here of stabbing. Let's not. Hello, I'm -" He hesitates, then smirks and shakes his head, apparently amused with himself. "Revan. Nice to meet you, wish it were under better circumstances, where the fuck are we? Some weird backwater planet of murder cultists?"

[unmarred]

"And I'm Mark. Pleased to meet you too. From the short conversation I had with this clod," he gestures at the dusty puddle of blood all around him, "before he temporarily murdered me, I believe we're on Earth, but it can't possibly be the Earth I grew up on because the Earth I grew up on did not contain vampires or magic."

[all_too_familiar]

"That name is completely unfamiliar to me. Uh, is it in some obscure planet in the Outer Rim, or further out?" Pause. "... Actually. I bet you haven't heard of - Coruscant, Corellia - The Republic?"

[unmarred]

"...On what planet did humans originate, where you're from?"

[all_too_familiar]

"Coruscant, probably. But we're kind of everywhere and history's a bit shoddy sometimes, so no one knows for sure. Did they originate on Earth for you?"

[unmarred]

"Yeah. Verifiably."

[all_too_familiar]

"Hmm. What's the interstellar neighborhood like? Any interesting species? Do you have hyperspace?"

[unmarred]

"The number of colonized planets is in the hundreds - maybe a hundred and fifty or two hundred. Preexisting life on a few, but nothing sapient other than humans. I don't know what you mean by hyperspace but contextually I suspect we don't."

[all_too_familiar]

"A hundred and fifty or two hundred," breathes Revan. "I'd feel trapped. Nothing other than humans? That's. It seems - boring, lonely maybe. Uh, no offense. Hyperspace is - well, sort of weird to explain. If you have a hyperdrive, you can enter hyperspace and move many, many times the speed of light. Lets you travel all over the galaxy, but if you get your calculations wrong and stray too close to a star or something you have one very short, but very bad day."

[unmarred]

"Commence feeling trapped," says Mark. "I think is pre-Jump Earth. One inhabited planet. Wormhole jumps are our version of faster-than-light travel."

[all_too_familiar]

"Ugh. One planet. One? One. Ick. It's like Rakata all over again. Human edition. And this time with no ship that'll be repaired. I don't know how everyone hasn't gone mad."

[unmarred]

"Everything has to start somewhere. Humanity included."

[all_too_familiar]

"Oh, I'm not putting the planet down or insulting its inhabitants," agrees Revan. "I'm sure everyone on it will go on to do great and fantastic things and kill each other in new and interesting ways. Just. I grew up understanding that I could go anywhere in the galaxy. And then did go just about everywhere in the galaxy, for various reasons. It's just - culture shock, I suppose." He snorts. "Funny. Everything else I took in stride, even Rakata and their crazy, but the idea of there being just one planet is what shocks me culturally."

[unmarred]

"All in what you're used to, I suppose."

[all_too_familiar]

"Yep. It's interesting. I think I'd like to explore. But, I would still like to go home, if it's possible. I have a Republic to keep together."

[unmarred]

"I don't have the faintest idea how to get either of us back where we belong."

[all_too_familiar]

"Yeah, that's usually how these sorts of things go. Wander around, talk to people, help some people, kill some people. And eventually there's a sith waiting for you in an underwater base or something, who monologues at you, and inadvertently tells you exactly what to do. Then you kill him. And then you save the galaxy." Pause. "... I live a strange life, have I mentioned?"

[unmarred]

"How strangely optimistic of you."